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Homepage Spotlight Satire

The Wheaton Liar: A Satire Special

Every year, the Wheaton Wire goes away for a week. In its place, the untrustworthy but absolutely beloved Wheaton Liar takes its place to poke fun at anything and everything happening on campus. So, sit back and enjoy a selection of satirical wonderings and remember: NONE OF THIS IS REAL. Meet Wheaton’s newest club dedicated […]

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Satire

Human Trafficking at Wheaton? (Satire)

Lock your windows and doors. Someone is going to come in and snatch you in the middle of the night… or not. Who caused the hysteria that was the 2021 human trafficking incident at Wheaton, and why? These alleged predatory fliers speak to the hollow pockets of student debt. Including vague promises of $22 an […]

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Satire

Are the Wheaton Students Potty Trained? 

Many children are ready to be potty trained as early as 18 to 22 months. For some students of Wheaton, that statistic is 18 to 22 years. What is it about the prospect of college that makes the students forget proper toilet etiquette? I have seen it all: footprints on the toilet seat, an apple […]

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Satire

The Clark Killer

Wheaton College- a heartwarming place where bright adolescents thrive, residing in Norton, Massachusetts, one of the safest towns in the country… or so we thought. A killer may lie within the ominous and alluring halls. Reports on November 3rd, 2021, of vandalism on one of the bulletin boards in the Clark Residence Hall reading, “We […]

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Satire

New Wheaton College President Announced! – The Series Continues

The Wire is pleased to share that the search for Wheaton’s ninth president has reached a finalized decision! Are you ready for the big reveal?

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Satire

Horoscopes for the Week of 4/13 – 4/20

Warning: This article is written for the LIAR issue, a satirical issue printed annually by the Wire. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Speak up or shut up.  Taurus (April 20 – May 20) It takes a while to figure it all out, but damn. Hurry up. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You know […]

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Satire

New Wheaton College President Announced!

The Wire is pleased to share that the search for Wheaton’s ninth president has reached a finalized decision! Are you ready for the big reveal?

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Satire

Top Ten Locker Combinations

Warning: This article is written for the LIAR issue, a satirical issue printed annually by the Wire. The best locker combinations ranked! A definitive analysis of what all of the best locker combinations share. Please see the attached video as a primer to the advanced concepts discussed below. William Myung ’21 has an extensive locker […]

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Opinion Satire Sports

Top Five Active MLB Shortstops

2. Francisco Lindor finally escaped Cleveland, leaving Jose Ramirez to fend for himself against the cheapest MLB owner. Lindor has long been one of the league’s most electric players and we hope to see that energy amplified when he plays for a team that actually cares for him.  3. Trevor Story is objectively the best […]

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Features Satire

Unveiling New Anti-Mosquito Technology (A Satire Article)

*Writers note: The following article is a work of satire, please do not take any of it as truth. Any specific people mentioned in any of my articles were made aware of their inclusion in it prior to publishing. Please direct any complaints with the content of the article to [email protected]* When news of a […]