Categories
Satire

Wire satire: Roary the lyon nominated for House Speaker

WASHINGTON — In a surprise move on Monday, House Republicans have nominated Wheaton College mascot Roary the Lyon as their candidate for Speaker of the House. After the ouster of now former Speaker Kevin McCarthy and the subsequent failure of both Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA) and Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) to garner enough support to […]

Categories
Satire

Are the Wheaton Students Potty Trained? 

Many children are ready to be potty trained as early as 18 to 22 months. For some students of Wheaton, that statistic is 18 to 22 years. What is it about the prospect of college that makes the students forget proper toilet etiquette? I have seen it all: footprints on the toilet seat, an apple […]

Categories
Satire

The Clark Killer

Wheaton College- a heartwarming place where bright adolescents thrive, residing in Norton, Massachusetts, one of the safest towns in the country… or so we thought. A killer may lie within the ominous and alluring halls. Reports on November 3rd, 2021, of vandalism on one of the bulletin boards in the Clark Residence Hall reading, “We […]

Categories
Satire

New Wheaton College President Announced! – The Series Continues

The Wire is pleased to share that the search for Wheaton’s ninth president has reached a finalized decision! Are you ready for the big reveal?

Categories
Satire

Top Ten Locker Combinations

Warning: This article is written for the LIAR issue, a satirical issue printed annually by the Wire. The best locker combinations ranked! A definitive analysis of what all of the best locker combinations share. Please see the attached video as a primer to the advanced concepts discussed below. William Myung ’21 has an extensive locker […]

Categories
Features Satire

Unveiling New Anti-Mosquito Technology (A Satire Article)

*Writers note: The following article is a work of satire, please do not take any of it as truth. Any specific people mentioned in any of my articles were made aware of their inclusion in it prior to publishing. Please direct any complaints with the content of the article to cohen_benjamin@wheatoncollege.edu.* When news of a […]

Categories
Satire

Wheaton Administration Begins “Week of Terror” on Campus

*Writer’s note: The following article is a work of satire, please do not take any of it as truthful. Any specific people mentioned in any of my articles were made aware of their inclusion in it prior to publishing. Please direct any complaints about the content of the article to cohen_benjamin@wheatoncollege.edu. * This week, the […]

Categories
Opinion

New Theme House Opens its Doors (A satire article)

Writer’s note: The following article is a work of satire, please do not take any of it as truth. Any specific people mentioned in any of my articles were made aware of their inclusion in it prior to publishing. Please direct any complaints with the content of the article to Ben Cohen ’22. Theme houses […]

Categories
Opinion

A Guide to Wheaton’s Political Clubs (Satire Piece)

Clubs have begun to get started up at Wheaton College. Clubs remain an important part of life on campus, allowing students to become connected to people who have at least one similar interest, as well as allowing the Exec Board to slightly improve their grad school applications. There are many different types of clubs at […]