Wire satire: Roary the lyon nominated for House Speaker

WASHINGTON — In a surprise move on Monday, House Republicans have nominated Wheaton College mascot Roary the Lyon as their candidate for Speaker of the House.

After the ouster of now former Speaker Kevin McCarthy and the subsequent failure of both Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA) and Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) to garner enough support to claim the gavel, it was feared that a solution would not be found in time to avoid government shutdowns. Roary, a Massachusetts native, has been tapped as a bi-partisan candidate to break the deadlock.

When asked why he is supporting Roary, House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries said, “He is a great leader with a proven track record of gathering support. Hopefully he can do for us what he has done for Wheaton College.”

Many House Republicans also say that they are on board. According to Nancy Mace (R-SC), Roary assured her in a private meeting that he would bring all bills to the floor. Rep. George Santos (R-NY) said he was happy to vote for Roary considering his previous job as Wheaton College President. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), the leader of the backlash against Kevin McCarthy, told the Wire he didn’t know Roary but liked the sound of him. “Anyone from Wheaton College is a friend of mine. It’s always worth a trip up to Illinois!”