A Guide to Wheaton’s Political Clubs (Satire Piece)

Clubs have begun to get started up at Wheaton College. Clubs remain an important part of life on campus, allowing students to become connected to people who have at least one similar interest, as well as allowing the Exec Board to slightly improve their grad school applications. There are many different types of clubs at Wheaton, but none are as popular as the politically related clubs. These clubs allow students to connect to those who hold similar political beliefs, and helps organize those students to dream of the best ways to force those beliefs onto other people.

None of the many clubs are as popular as the Wheaton College Democrats. Having been lucky enough to attend a few of the Dems meetings myself, it is clear that a diverse audience is in attendance at meetings, with political ideologies of members ranging from “Sanders has betrayed Marxism” to “I’m conservative, but dislike the GOP,” similar to their real-life counterparts in DC.

Dems President Casey Smith ‘20 says that the incoming first-year class has shown a lot of potential at meetings. She stated that they are more devoted to “the destruction of conservative values to turn the USA into a liberal hellhole,” than even she was at their age.

On the other side of the aisle, the Wheaton College Conservatives have promoted Isaac, the Spider, who hangs out in the corner of the position of Vice President. This is due to the absence of the previous Vice President, who is now studying abroad. The Wheaton College Conservatives have stated that future plans for the club include having their members grow long beards and purchasing a camera and a truck to produce rants about how we must return to the golden 1950s. 

Unlike the actual United States, students at Wheaton College have more than two political options. With this in mind, I was able to visit a meeting for Wheaton’s Young Democratic Socialists, which took place in the woods at Red Rock. Members of the club had constructed makeshift signs out of cardboard with “Sanders 4 Prez” scribbled in old crayon and no one was able to comment due to members being far, far too stoned.

In other news, it was hard to track down any of the members of the Wheaton House of REPS (Residents Engaged in Politics Science) due to their members being perpetually abroad, but resident Sydney Murphy ‘21 was able to comment that the House of REPS is proud to be able to “host debates” that “very quickly turn into screaming matches” for the other political clubs on campus.

Some members of the Wheaton College Centrists club were also present at Red Rock, yelling at anyone who got too close to them, “why can’t you guys just get along!” When pressed further for ideas on how to make this idea a reality, the Centrists were unable to provide any input. 

Centrists’ president, Joe Perez ‘20, commented that past government filibusters were “things of beauty that really highlighted the American political system hard at work.” The Wheaton College Libertarians were unable to comment, as their Club President was too busy taking a bath in a massive pile of money, though there have been rumors circulating that they plan to join their counterparts in DC and wed themselves to the Wheaton College Republicans. Finally, in sad news, the Wheaton Anarcho-Primitivist club will not be meeting this semester due to all their members dying of EEE.