Warning: This article is written for the LIAR issue, a satirical issue printed annually by the Wire.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Speak up or shut up.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
It takes a while to figure it all out, but damn. Hurry up.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You know you spin everything in your favor, chill out.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Get your bag and stay quiet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your ego is too big. Check it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Check your finances, stay humble.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Don’t complain about your schedule when you’re the one who made it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You set the narrative, but check yourself.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Research does not equal power.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Do your due diligence.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
The first step is acknowledging it. Stop putting that off.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
We all know you’re not hard, baby.