Aries; March 21 – April 19
A new school year, a new you! Join something fun like the starving vegetarians club, the hoola-hooping house, or start a band of mermaids to glam up Peacock Pond!
Taurus; April 20 – May 20
Someone will come into your life who you will love deeply, but they will be gone so quickly… They’ll melt in the sun, their sugary substance will squish under the weight of admiration, and also gravity. Protect your chocolate, friends. Protect it.
Gemini; May 21 – June 22
Let’s meet new folks, Gemini’s! We have to grow your friendship circles, you can’t just talk to the squirrels anymore! Expand your horizons and maybe start talking with the turtles or ducks, or even find a not-so-skittish bunny behind the theme houses.
Cancer; June 21 – July 22
Feel free to make the drastic decision to become a tree – it’ll be good for you! Lots more water, maybe you’ll sprout some flowers… it’ll be a positive experience to synthesize some nutrients and feel the sun on your leaf-root fingers. Live it up!
Leo; July 23 – August 22
Welcome to Wheaton, Leo’s! Our mascot is a lion named Roary, who has no mane! Don’t trust the stuffed animals in the bookstore – they got Roary’s hair wrong and we hate those fake stuffed bad-cats.
Virgo; August 23 – Sept. 22
Remember that as it gets colder – if it does? – you’ll need to bundle up warm! Feel free to scavenge all the leftover bread from Chase at the end of the night, and fashion yourself a cute little coat. If nothing else, birds and squirrels will love you!
Libra; Sept. 23 – October 22
Always remember what those tarot cards said – take the time (and have the courage) to meditate! Have the strength to let your mind live within yourself, release whatever you feel you have to do. Live in the present, you work too hard!
Scorpio; Oct. 23 – Nov 22
Hug the nearest furry mammal or plant-based happy place and just take a second. You got this.
Sagittarius; Nov. 22 – Dec. 22
Ever feel like you need a banana-themed fictional character in your life, or some dragons? Get some! This ad was sponsored by Chiquita Dave, look him up.
Capricorn; Dec. 22 – Jan 20
Guess what, the Great British Bake-Off has a new season! And YOU WON! Congratulations!
Aquarius; Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Always remember that everything you do can be resistance; resist what society expects of you, resist that urge to push your friend into the pond, resist the puppet in that big white house. Sometimes just living is resistance – keep on living, folks.
Pisces; Feb. 18 – Mar. 20
Your birthday is really far away, so the Stars have decided to give you a fortune cookie type of horoscope, because they are sleepy. Here we go… do your freaking laundry, Becky. Do it. You’re welcome.