Horoscopes – Issue 10

The Punxatawney Phil of horoscopes: baseless, random and only correct 39% of the time.

Pisces   •  Feb. 19 to March 20

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it will lead you down a shocking internet rabbit hole. 

Aries   •  March 21 to April 19

3D house tours on Zillow may be your only escape this week.

Taurus   •  April 20 to May 20

You were on thin ice to begin with, but now you’re stuck ankle-deep in the mud. 

Gemini   •  May 21 to June 20

It might help to start reciting affirmations: Chase will have tortellini. I will not experience existential dread. There will be dogs on campus. 

Cancer   •  June 21 to July 22

Wheaton might start to feel like summer camp…in an 80s horror movie way. 

Leo   •  July 23 to Aug. 22

Stop being humble about your Worlde skills and embrace the fact that you’re a linguistic genius.

Virgo   •  Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

A normal, uneventful day might be hard to come by this March. Make sure you have enough Lyons Bucks to buy coffees. 

Libra  •  Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Wheaton’s presidential transfer of power is complete, but you still need to transfer some power into that midterm. 

Scorpio  •  Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

There’s a Norweigan island that wants to get rid of time. Make plans to move after graduation. 

Sagittarius   •  Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Embrace your chaotic energy this week—Wheaton is bleak without it. 

Capricorn   •  Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Has spring finally sprung or was that just your jarring vibe shift?

Aquarius   •  Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your fifteen minutes of fame are fast approaching. Clear your schedule and perfect your autograph.