*Writers note: The following article is a work of satire, please do not take any of it as truth. Any specific people mentioned in any of my articles were made aware of their inclusion in it prior to publishing. Please direct any complaints with the content of the article to cohen_benjamin@wheatoncollege.edu.*
When news of a third Massachusetts resident dying of EEE reached the ears of the Wheaton Administration, they knew something had to be done. An administrator who wishes to remain anonymous gave the Wire a hot tip yesterday that drastic measures were planned and that anti-mosquito devices were to be placed near the woods in order to protect Wheaton students and staff. According to the Massachusetts Department of Public Health, 3 towns in northern Bristol County, Norton, as well as the neighboring towns of Easton and Raynham are considered to have “critical” levels of mosquito risk.
It is with all this information in mind that Wheaton has finally unveiled its grand plan to keep mosquitoes away: the Anti-Mosquito sign. These signs are equipped with extremely menacing messages, such as “Mosquitoes go away,” “Mosquitoes who pass this sign are stinky,” and some bad words for mosquito-kind. Wheaton has said that the signs will be sure to be placed all around campus, facing towards the woods, so that the mosquitoes will think twice, or thrice before choosing to enter the campus.
While some mosquitoes have EEE and are a threat to humans, not every mosquito falls into this category. The Wire was able to interview Larry, a 9-day old male mosquito who lives near Red Rock. Larry proclaims that he disagrees with other mosquitoes choosing to bite humans, noting the threat that humans pose to mosquito population suspected of harboring EEE-containing mosquitoes. When asked about the signs being put up around the Wheaton Woods, Larry told the Wire that “being called stinky is a huge insult in mosquito culture” and that therefore the signs will “have some success” in keeping mosquitoes away from humans and other animals on campus.
However, Larry also proclaimed that many of his fellow mosquitoes who are bullied by other mosquitoes and told they are stinky on a regular basis would not be held back by the signs. Larry also told the Wire that anger towards the gross greenish-blue pond [Peacock Pond] on campus is misdirected, and that despite what students might think about it, mosquitoes have no interest in it. Larry proclaimed that anyone who has taken a Bio class or has spent 5 minutes looking up facts about mosquitoes would know that mosquitoes require standing water to breed in.
Larry left the Wire with a final message addressed for the students of Wheaton College and his fellow mosquitoes, stating that “a few bad mosquitoes who got EEE got the rest of us in trouble, and that people should really know how and where mosquitoes breed before they blame non-stationary bodies of water.” Larry’s hopeful statement is an inspiration in a world where humans are killing mosquitoes and mosquitoes are killing humans.