WASHINGTON — In a surprise move on Monday, House Republicans have nominated Wheaton College mascot Roary the Lyon as their candidate for Speaker of the House. After the ouster of now former Speaker Kevin McCarthy and the subsequent failure of both Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA) and Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) to garner enough support to […]
Many children are ready to be potty trained as early as 18 to 22 months. For some students of Wheaton, that statistic is 18 to 22 years. What is it about the prospect of college that makes the students forget proper toilet etiquette? I have seen it all: footprints on the toilet seat, an apple […]
Wheaton College- a heartwarming place where bright adolescents thrive, residing in Norton, Massachusetts, one of the safest towns in the country… or so we thought. A killer may lie within the ominous and alluring halls. Reports on November 3rd, 2021, of vandalism on one of the bulletin boards in the Clark Residence Hall reading, “We […]
The Wire is pleased to share that the search for Wheaton’s ninth president has reached a finalized decision! Are you ready for the big reveal?
Warning: This article is written for the LIAR issue, a satirical issue printed annually by the Wire. The best locker combinations ranked! A definitive analysis of what all of the best locker combinations share. Please see the attached video as a primer to the advanced concepts discussed below. William Myung ’21 has an extensive locker […]
*Writers note: The following article is a work of satire, please do not take any of it as truth. Any specific people mentioned in any of my articles were made aware of their inclusion in it prior to publishing. Please direct any complaints with the content of the article to cohen_benjamin@wheatoncollege.edu.* When news of a […]
*Writer’s note: The following article is a work of satire, please do not take any of it as truthful. Any specific people mentioned in any of my articles were made aware of their inclusion in it prior to publishing. Please direct any complaints about the content of the article to cohen_benjamin@wheatoncollege.edu. * This week, the […]
Writer’s note: The following article is a work of satire, please do not take any of it as truth. Any specific people mentioned in any of my articles were made aware of their inclusion in it prior to publishing. Please direct any complaints with the content of the article to Ben Cohen ’22. Theme houses […]
Clubs have begun to get started up at Wheaton College. Clubs remain an important part of life on campus, allowing students to become connected to people who have at least one similar interest, as well as allowing the Exec Board to slightly improve their grad school applications. There are many different types of clubs at […]