A psychological dive into the brain-computer connection.
Category: Student (Misc)
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Human Trafficking at Wheaton? (Satire)
Lock your windows and doors. Someone is going to come in and snatch you in the middle of the night… or not. Who caused the hysteria that was the 2021 human trafficking incident at Wheaton, and why? These alleged predatory fliers speak to the hollow pockets of student debt. Including vague promises of $22 an […]
Note: The author has since soured on Wes Anderson and the uniformity of his production and directing style. Try something new Wes we’ve seen it all before.
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Are the Wheaton Students Potty Trained?
Many children are ready to be potty trained as early as 18 to 22 months. For some students of Wheaton, that statistic is 18 to 22 years. What is it about the prospect of college that makes the students forget proper toilet etiquette? I have seen it all: footprints on the toilet seat, an apple […]
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A Deeper Dive into Curriculums
Author’s Note: After reading the article “An Examination of Curriculums” by Payce Shepard last week, I felt it was worthwhile to engage in a bit of a deeper dive on the topic. I’d also been researching the topic for another article I was planning on writing about that didn’t materialize, but there’s enough left over […]
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The Clark Killer
Wheaton College- a heartwarming place where bright adolescents thrive, residing in Norton, Massachusetts, one of the safest towns in the country… or so we thought. A killer may lie within the ominous and alluring halls. Reports on November 3rd, 2021, of vandalism on one of the bulletin boards in the Clark Residence Hall reading, “We […]
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On Campus Employment: Wheaton Phonathon
I am a Wheaton Phonathoner, meaning my on campus job consists of calling alumni, parents, and past donors, then asking them a variety of questions that often ends in me asking if they would like to donate to Wheaton College. We often ask donors to donate to the Wheaton Fund, the college’s annual giving program. […]
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True Crime: A Deadly Obsession
If you were to hop on either Spotify or Apple podcasts and look at the charts displaying the most listened to podcasts you would see that on both charts within the top ten there is a common theme: true crime. Whether it be the ever popular Crime Junkie, or Morbid: A True Crime Podcast, Sinister […]
The Wire is pleased to share that the search for Wheaton’s ninth president has reached a finalized decision! Are you ready for the big reveal?
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Horoscopes for the Week of 4/13 – 4/20
Warning: This article is written for the LIAR issue, a satirical issue printed annually by the Wire. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Speak up or shut up. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) It takes a while to figure it all out, but damn. Hurry up. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You know […]