Gen Z is very, very, single. 41% of younger Americans are not in a relationship, and compared to previous generations, people our age simply don’t date. Despite beliefs that loneliness increases with old age, it is the younger generations who are also increasingly lonely, with Gen Z leading the pack. A 2023 Cigna study found that 73% of Gen Z feel alone “sometimes” or “always,” the highest percentage of any age group. Committed romantic relationships can be a key factor in psychological well-being. Yet the beautiful, intimate connections that romantic relationships can bring into our lives are missing for so many young people—what was once a source of meaning is becoming increasingly rare.
Given the modern feminist understanding that women have been historically oppressed through the institution of marriage, a cultural narrative has developed regarding romantic relationships: singleness is empowering, particularly for heterosexual women. Singleness allows women to be sexually liberated and fully embrace their individuality.
But it’s a mistake to look at relationships, or singleness, through the lens of power dynamics. People who see relationships as power struggles are the ones who make a relationship toxic. Every gift is an attempt to manipulate and gain control, every argument is about winning. If you are doing that, or are constantly suspicious of it being done to you, you can ruin the potential of a healthy relationship. You lose the common goal of building a loving relationship that works for both of you. The question becomes “What am I getting out of this?” or “How can I win?” instead of “Is what we are building together worthwhile?”
Relationships do require sacrifice and compromise, but these are voluntary acts of love, not a loss of power. You might go skiing with your partner even though you hate it, because you know they love it. You might take a lower-paying job because you and your partner want to spend more time together. A healthy relationship is a choice to put aside some aspects of your life for the sake of another person, to build something more meaningful through two lives lived together.
Compare this to the idea that it is ‘empowering’ to be single. It inherently suggests that you gain personal power by being single and lose it by committing to a relationship. This mischaracterization of romantic attachments (or lack thereof) as power struggles may cause young women to dismiss relationships as a source of meaning.
Some responding cultural messages regarding relationships have emerged and grown in concerning ways. Online movements like Men Go Their Own Way (MGTOW) encourage men to work on bettering themselves rather than seek relationships because women are now seeking singleness and sexual freedom. There’s nothing wrong with working on yourself while you’re single, but the idea that men should “go their own way” to do so is misleading and perhaps damaging.
For one, it seems unhealthy to say that men and women have such different interests that they should stop trying to date. It increases general animosity, distrust, and unwillingness to understand one another. This lack of understanding can only worsen the growth of online communities of what many call male ‘incels’, or involuntary celibates. These men promote misogynistic messages, demonizing women as wicked seductresses or sluts. MGTOW might seem like a simple movement for men to improve themselves, but incel communities are also “men going their own way.”
Additionally, “I’m working on myself” quickly becomes an excuse to avoid relationships. We will all be “working on ourselves” for the rest of our lives; we can’t cut people off until we deem ourselves good enough because it’s an endless process. The prerequisite for any loving relationship, romantic or otherwise, is to be vulnerable enough to accept we cannot love someone else perfectly. All we can do is try to love others a little better each day.
But it seems people often don’t believe they are “good enough” to be in relationships. Videos of happy couples on TikTok have comments like “just bringing my toaster to my bath” and “let me jump in front of a truck real quick.” These comments are not too serious, but the despairing sentiment still indicates insecurities and low self-esteem. If people were confident that they could date successfully, the comments would likely be filled with compliments for the beautiful couple. Instead, people project their insecurity and loneliness through a joke. In an age where dating apps and online communication make it easier than ever to meet people, many feel that relationships are unattainable for them.
Perhaps it’s worth questioning the glorification of singleness on social media and being more aware of how you react to seeing other happy couples. Bitterness or sadness might suggest that it’s time to consider whether you can commit to caring for someone else a little better each day. If not, how can you become a person who could? It usually means cultivating generosity, discipline, and fulfilling hobbies you can do on your own. It means not seeking a relationship from a place of dependency. Changing yourself to date isn’t about taking away your power or individuality. Rather, it’s about developing good character so that you can bring your authentic self to a relationship; and learning how to make sacrifices to share the gift of love with someone else.
A romantic relationship is forming a commitment based on the belief it will be more meaningful to be with one another. Actively caring for someone else, and being cared for, helps people grow as individuals, together. It’s not all butterflies and romantic feelings, but a relationship built on shared values and a few shared interests, mutual attraction, and genuine enjoyment of each other’s company, is worth fighting for. Both people must sacrifice temporary feelings to build a loving relationship. Both are made more beautiful by giving and receiving. It’s the joy of giving someone a meaningful gift and receiving one in return every day over and over for however long you date; maybe even a lifetime.
Not everyone wants a relationship. Some may want them during different stages of life and not in others. Regardless, it’s worth noting that societal narratives that diminish the value of romantic relationships or seek to divide men and women could be leading us away from potentially meaningful connections.
A relationship means treating another person with love, even on days when it’s not easy: caring for someone when they are grieving for months; to go on a date even after an argument; to bring romance into a relationship even when you’re bored of one another.
For men that desire close connections, less dating and a lack of committed, healthy, romantic relationships is just as harmful as it is to women. As for how this affects men, many conservatives say that women embracing singleness and engaging with hook-up culture instead of committed relationships is serving men’s desire to have sex. However, I think that’s a caricature of men. It plays into the idea that intimacy is all about power and getting what you want. And it seems that men are increasingly lonely too,
But it seems people often don’t believe they are “good enough” to be in relationships. Videos of happy couples on TikTok have comments like “just bringing my toaster to my bath” and “let me jump in front of a truck really quick.” These are not commented in all seriousness, but it still indicates insecurity and lack of confidence in an ability to get a relationship. If people were confident that they were able to date successfully, the comments would more likely be filled with compliments for the beautiful couple. Instead, people project their insecurity and loneliness through a joke. In an age where dating apps and online communication makes it easier than ever to meet people, many feel that relationships are unattainable for them.
Despite the fact that hook-up culture seems pervasive among young people, it also seems we are having less sex than the generation of our parents. There is an odd dissonance between our lack of sexual activity and increasingly sex-positive culture.
Perhaps it’s worth questioning the glorification of singleness on social media, or being more aware of how you feel when you see a happy couple online. If your instinct is bitterness or sadness, maybe it’s time to consider whether you’re capable of committing to caring for another person a little more each day. If you’re not, how can you become a person who can? It usually means cultivating generosity, discipline, and fulfilling hobbies you can do on your own. It means not seeking a relationship from a place of dependency. Changing yourself in order to date isn’t about taking away your power or individuality; it’s about cultivating good character so that you can bring your authentic self to a relationship and learn how to make sacrifices in order to share the gift of love with someone else.
Up until recent decades, society viewed being single for one’s entire life as shameful. Marriage (often at a young age) served as either the only option or the default expectation for everyone, but primarily for women. Now that people are free to live alone, the progressive viewpoint even celebrates singleness, encouraging the lone lifestyle just as much as a committed relationship. People should be able to freely choose careers, travel, friendships, and hobbies, and other pursuits to their heart’s content, without societal pressure to seek a romantic relationship.
The problem only begins when this attitude of ‘pro-single’ becomes ‘anti-relationship’. Some ideas about modern individuality and fulfillment have been woven into anti-relationship narratives. These narratives are diminishing the value of romantic relationships or mischaracterizing them as detracting from individuality. When these messages fill our social media feed and casual conversation, it poses a huge problem for Gen Z-ers who might desire a relationship. Committed romantic relationships can be a key factor in psychological well-being.
Let’s consider the societal narrative that it is empowering for a woman to be single. It seems to be rooted in the idea that single women are breaking free from oppression after centuries of forced marriages, domestic abuse, and repression of individuality. Women can support themselves financially, pursue successful careers, cultivate meaningful friendships, and engage in fulfilling hobbies and deserve to do so. Such a ‘strong and independent woman’ does not need a man, and she is empowered by singleness to engage with those pursuits fully.
There is a lot of truth in these ideas. For a woman leaving an abusive relationship, singleness can empower her to take back her autonomy and individuality. But this is because her relationship had an unfair power dynamic. Healthy relationships have nothing to do with power, and if you think of romantic relationships in terms of power, they will become toxic quickly. Imagine a relationship in which the partner who earns more money uses that to justify making life-changing decisions without the other. Or a relationship in which one partner only gives gifts as a way to guilt the other into doing what they want. Every action is calculated so that one person can manipulate the other, which goes against everything a healthy relationship has to offer.
What’s really wrong is the conclusion that being single is empowering. It is not empowering to choose singleness over the pursuit of committed relationships, simply because romantic relationships should not be about power. The idea that it is empowering to be single suggests that you gain power by being single and lose power by committing to a relationship. What a cynical idea!
Entering a romantic relationship involves sacrifice, compromise, not imlike values, but some things. People have an excuse not to make sacrifices, they are holding onto parts of their “identity” that actually aren’t that important in comparison to love and sacrifice. The idea is that you choose to be with them because you believe you approach life better with them than without them, not that you have to depend on them; you choose to depend on them in certain ways