Categories
Satire

New Wheaton College President Announced!

The Wire is pleased to share that the search for Wheaton’s ninth president has reached a finalized decision! Are you ready for the big reveal?

Categories
Satire

Top Ten Locker Combinations

Warning: This article is written for the LIAR issue, a satirical issue printed annually by the Wire. The best locker combinations ranked! A definitive analysis of what all of the best locker combinations share. Please see the attached video as a primer to the advanced concepts discussed below. William Myung ’21 has an extensive locker […]

Categories
Opinion

Abby Cook’s Dear Wheaton

Abby Cook ’22 is running for Vice President of SGA for the Academic Year 2021-2022

Categories
Opinion

Mikaela Savarese’s Manifesto

Mikaela Savarese ’22 is running for President of SGA for the Academic Year 2021-2022

Categories
Opinion

Payce Shepard’s Manifesto

Payce Shepard ’22 is running for Vice President of SGA for the Academic Year 2021-2022

Categories
Opinion

Was Math Discovered or Invented?

What is math? A natural existing property on Earth that was dying to be discovered, or a human invention? Or does it fall somewhere in-between? To answer this complex philosophical question about mathematics, I turned to members of the Wheaton community.  Out of the thirteen (13) respondents, the results were as follows: two (15%) said […]

Categories
Opinion Satire Sports

Top Five Active MLB Shortstops

2. Francisco Lindor finally escaped Cleveland, leaving Jose Ramirez to fend for himself against the cheapest MLB owner. Lindor has long been one of the league’s most electric players and we hope to see that energy amplified when he plays for a team that actually cares for him.  3. Trevor Story is objectively the best […]

Categories
Opinion

From a Bleak past to a lukewarm future: what to expect from President Biden

So then, with a new administration what can we expect? I’m sorry to disappoint anyone hoping for sweeping reform but that won’t be happening. President Joe Biden is a centrist through and through and there is no getting around that fact.

Categories
Opinion

Crunchy Cheetos vs Cheeto Puffs

The crunchy, cheesy, classic snack food that will leave an orange residue on your fingers after you eat them: Cheetos. What do you picture when you think of a Cheeto? This week, I turned to the members of the Wheaton community with the questions: When you picture a Cheeto, do you imagine crunchy Cheetos or […]

Categories
Opinion

In Response to President Hanno

Recent communications reveal division over the nature of our crisis and the role of leadership. On one side, is the conservative maintenance of the status quo and its beneficiaries, propped up by immovable “longstanding policies” and appeals for civility. On the other side, an aspirational leadership that’s responsive and transformational, finally prioritizing our most vulnerable in the march towards justice.