Arts and Culture

Astrology at Wheaton

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your birthday is a sign from the universe that you’re ready for more responsibility. Adopt a Wheaton Squirrel, but know it has the power to overthrow you at any moment.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

There’s a monster under your bed and it’s called RESPONSIBILITY—don’t let it eat you or your hopes and dreams.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The Universe wants to party with you. Stop being so gloomy and acknowledge this dope weather! Be thankful for the trees and the sun and the (mind-controlling) squirrels!

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

That thing you lost is waiting for you to find it. Look hard! Wheaton Ghosts aren’t that good at hiding things, so you should recover your stolen item easily enough.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Stop it. Really, just…sigh…

Aries | March 21 to April 19

It is a little known fact that because you’re born under the sign Aries, you’re meant to be a sheep herder. What’re you doing here? Go herd them sheep!

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

We know what Pisces did was bad and The Universe has told them to stop. We gotchu, Taurus.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Take up a new hobby like yoga, duck-calling, or prayer to the great and powerful Cthuhlu. You will feel more fulfilled in your life and your enemies will be punished. You won’t regret it.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Don’t drink that.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

In a past life you were an imposter of the Duke of York, and you almost got away with it! A successful person never gives up – you go imposter the heck out of that Duke.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Are you sure you’re not just a ghost haunting the stacks? Get out in the sun sometime, or hug a dog to make sure you’re not vaporous.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You look good today.