I promise these will be nicer than last week’s. Aries • March 21 to April 19 Let out your frustration. But please, keep it about 50 decibels below the sound of a standard vacuum cleaner. Taurus • April 20 to May 20 Never underestimate the power of simply walking away. Gather your belongings, […]
The Punxatawney Phil of horoscopes: baseless, random and only correct 39% of the time. Pisces • Feb. 19 to March 20 Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it will lead you down a shocking internet rabbit hole. Aries • March 21 to April 19 3D house tours on Zillow may be your […]
525If the horoscopes weren’t enough for you, here’s what goldfish type I think each zodiac sign would be and why. I will not hold back. (Written by a Gemini Sun, Capricorn Moon, Cancer rising). Aries Flavor blasted sour cream and onion The flavor blasted represents that Aries are a fire sign and, well, they can […]
What’s your fate? Scorpio • Oct. 23 to Nov. 21 If you got through middle school, you can make it through the rest of this semester. College is just like middle school for adults, anyway. Sagittarius • Nov. 22 to Dec. 21 People think it’s the air pressure causing so much extreme weather in […]
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Don’t get stuck in other people’s drama, you have your own to worry about. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) It is your season, baby. This is a great time to self-reflect! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Big emotions this week, take a deep breath. You’ll be okay. […]
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Believe in yourself, you can lean on whatever higher power you want. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You’re allowed to want more for yourself, just don’t be a jerk about it. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Stop being so dramatic, it’s killing everyone’s vibe. Cancer (June 21 […]
Aries (March 21 – April 19) You’re hot and you know it. Bring that energy to what matters to you. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Feelings aren’t easy, you’re allowed to ask for help. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Practice what you preach. Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Let yourself take a […]
Warning: This article is written for the LIAR issue, a satirical issue printed annually by the Wire. Aries (March 21 – April 19) Speak up or shut up. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) It takes a while to figure it all out, but damn. Hurry up. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You know […]
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Something big is coming, be prepared. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You think your approach is always right because you’re always right, check yourself. Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Just because we accept our limitations, doesn’t mean accepting them can get rid of the pain caused by […]
Aries (March 21 – April 19) It’s okay to ask someone for help. We all need some support to restore our purpose. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Figuring out what matters to you can count as work. Let it be discipline! Gemini (May 21 – June 20) When you approach things in your way, […]