Dear Audrey and Emily,
My neighbor makes a lot of noise having sex with her significant other every night around 2 a.m. She’s driving me crazy. I can’t sleep and have to get up at 8 a.m. everyday for class. Should I politely tell her to stop or continue to be sleep deprived?
-Annoyed
Audrey:
Dear Annoyed,
Have you heard the old saying, “fight fire with fire?”
You should set her room on fire.
Emily:
Dear Annoyed,
Although Audrey’s suggestion of arson is tempting, I’d probably blast Talking Heads’ “Burning Down the House” before committing the crime and then see how you feel. Also, according to chemistry, fire spreads, and I doubt going up in flames yourself is the best solution for a noise problem. I’d ask, once. Try to be frank with the people you live with. After all, they hear you poop. If things don’t improve, invest in earplugs.
Dear Audrey and Emily,
I like this girl in my Calculus I class, but she’s always taking notes. It’s like, I’m looking at her trying to make eye contact all class and she hardly looks anywhere besides her notebook or the whiteboard. How do I get her attention?
-Failing Calc but Falling in Love
Audrey:
Dear Failing Calc but Falling in Love,
You need to go back in time to the early 1600s and publicize all of the basic concepts of Calculus before Newton or Leibniz can do it. The timeline alters. The future will change. Your desk will be empty. She will see your portrait in the Calculus textbook, and she will see your theorems on the whiteboard. You will have been long dead, but she will finally know your name.
Best of luck!
Emily:
Dear Failing Calc but Falling in Love,
A little bird told me that your class has an extra credit project in which you write a short rap based on a concept of Calculus. Did you know that “finding the derivative” rhymes with “Hey, Marissa, where do you live?” Although, I’d probably just get her attention after class. She’ll be looking right at you when she’s trying to explain her notes on secant functions.