The Punxatawney Phil of horoscopes: baseless, random and only correct 39% of the time.
Pisces • Feb. 19 to March 20
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it will lead you down a shocking internet rabbit hole.
Aries • March 21 to April 19
3D house tours on Zillow may be your only escape this week.
Taurus • April 20 to May 20
You were on thin ice to begin with, but now you’re stuck ankle-deep in the mud.
Gemini • May 21 to June 20
It might help to start reciting affirmations: Chase will have tortellini. I will not experience existential dread. There will be dogs on campus.
Cancer • June 21 to July 22
Wheaton might start to feel like summer camp…in an 80s horror movie way.
Leo • July 23 to Aug. 22
Stop being humble about your Worlde skills and embrace the fact that you’re a linguistic genius.
Virgo • Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
A normal, uneventful day might be hard to come by this March. Make sure you have enough Lyons Bucks to buy coffees.
Libra • Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Wheaton’s presidential transfer of power is complete, but you still need to transfer some power into that midterm.
Scorpio • Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There’s a Norweigan island that wants to get rid of time. Make plans to move after graduation.
Sagittarius • Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Embrace your chaotic energy this week—Wheaton is bleak without it.
Capricorn • Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Has spring finally sprung or was that just your jarring vibe shift?
Aquarius • Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your fifteen minutes of fame are fast approaching. Clear your schedule and perfect your autograph.