Warning: This article is written for the LIAR issue, a satirical issue printed annually by the Wire.

Dear Wheaton Community,

The Wire is pleased to share that the search for Wheaton’s ninth president has reached a finalized decision! This has been an ongoing search since Wheaton College President Dennis Hanno announced his resignation that would take place during the year 2021. The decision was a long and hard process and included many representatives of the Wheaton community. Are you ready for the big reveal?

*Drum roll please…*