Whoops, y’all. I went and became a senior? I’m graduating? When did that happen? Someone build a time machine please, take me back.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Everyone desserts a cheesecake.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You look great in that dress! Oh, you don’t have a dress? Go out and get one, you beautiful human being. Twirl and feel yourself.
Aquarius | Jan 20 to Feb. 18
All positive horoscopes so far, huh? Well, Aquarius, this week you’re going to grow some wings. How about that?!
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Did you know that the corners of all rooms open up into a void, sucking up paper clips, hair ties, and chapsticks, all left to float meaninglessly? That’s where they go, and now we just need to figure out how to get them out.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Did you know that 90% of college students listen to either music, guided meditation, or podcasts about murder to fall asleep, because we’re all so stressed that murder helps us sleep? HeLp uS.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
“Pretty Ugly” by Tierra Whack is a bop, treat yourself to a listen.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Airpods give me anxiety.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Let’s all agree to be good people. Ok? Sound good? Good.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Hey. Hey, Leo. What the heck, dude, we all just agreed to be good people. Stick to it, jeez, it has been like five seconds.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Poking people on Facebook is an evil act of social aggression and my fragile sense of societal norms cannot fathom its power.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
If you were a flower, you’d be a good-smellin’ one.