Did you know Shaggy actually plucked the souls of his cast members from their bodies in Scooby Doo (2002)? It was only by his divine will that they were allowed to return. Heed this movie’s many warnings.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    I think I can hear the whispers of long-forgotten fuzzy socks calling your name. It’s dang cold out, warm your feet!

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Lyft and Uber drivers have been instructed to never ever make eye contact with customers as it is…it forever will be, quite awkward to be in someone else’s car.    

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

     Spaghetti loves you.

Aquarius | Jan 20 to Feb. 18

    Completely true fact: February is “Spunky Old Broads” Month! A whole month to those amongst us who are not only spunky, but old, and their many accomplishments. It is also a perfect month for the young ladies among us to begin planning and preparing to become a Spunky Old Broad someday. Halleluh!

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

     Rotten Tomatoes says your life is a spicy ripe tomato full of purpose and potential – don’t let them down!

Aries | March 21 to April 19

   Slow and steady wins the race, but maybe not the race to class! Wake up a little bit earlier to greet the sunshine and get to where you’re going on time!

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If the cold is making your eyes water, blame your crying on the tragic state of our country. No one will question you.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Taurus’ horoscope was a joke but also for real: get out there and do something about the world, honey, in any way you think you can.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

     You know, I’m not mad about that thing, Cancer. I’m just disappointed. You know what you did.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sometimes the best thing for your state of mind is to cut the BS out. We’re all getting older, and the older we get the less time we have to waste. Stop taking and/or giving out drama, be straightforward, and go claim your life.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

     You’ll never know if you don’t go…

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

     …you’ll never shine if you don’t glow.