Please Payce, 

I have recently been the habit of perusing eBay for vintage clowns, and my watch list is full of clowns. How do I determine what clowns to buy, so I don’t break the bank? Thanks,

Clown consumer

Dear Consumer,

So think about what you like about the clowns that you have in your wishlist, try to filter it down to a few features. Like big feet, innocent smiles, and puffy pants. Then choose the ones that exemplify those features the most.                                                                                               

With that being said, this question is lacking in meat. We do not get an idea of the full problem from what you sent in. Are you just concerned with spending too much money, or are you worried about buying the wrong clowns? Please provide more details in the future so our advice can be thorough. Picking clowns is a very complicated process. We recommend you nail down your motivation if you are going to make headway in this situation. If you are just “clowning around” with the prospect of buying clowns, don’t write this respected column with such nonsense. We just made it into the Wheaton Wire and are currently on the front page of the website. Let’s try to keep it that way.

     Much love

Please Payce,

     My stepdad has bought me a pet cat. As much as I love this cat, I hate my stepdad, how can I passive-aggressively name my cat?

Feline Friendly Step Kid

Feline,

Ideas:

Name the cat “cuckhold” (if applicable)

Name the cat after step father’s ex (if applicable)

Name the cat after his other children (if applicable)

Name the cat after an allergy (if applicable)

Finally, I would name it “Realdad”

Much love,

-Payce Shepard and advice team

Advice team: Micah Madox-Gilbert
Write the us at Shepard_payce@wheatoncollege.edu