Aries; March 21 – April 19
Look up, look down, now turn it all around. Congratulations, you’ve now finished my incantation to summon an astral projection of you into my living room. We’re having tea, and it’s lovely. Sorry, you can’t be here.
Taurus; April 20 – May 20
Read a book! Read every book in the library! Some of them have been watching you from afar, as you walk in. They want to get to know you better.
Gemini; May 21 – June 22
I wrote you a haiku:
Blue is the color
Of your energy, like a
Cancer; June 21 – July 22
Today is a good day. Live it, repeat it, know it in your heart. That way, even if that meteor hits the world and blows it up, you’ll still know it’s a good day!
Leo; July 23 – August 22
Who do you want to win RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars: Season 4? I know who does, but I’m bound by contract not to tell anyone… hint: they’re beautiful. Except all of them are beautiful, OOPS!
Virgo; August 23 – Sept. 22
If you could fly anywhere in the world, where would you go? …wait, you’d go there?! That’s so boring, I’m not even going to bother giving you these wings.
Libra; Sept. 23 – October 22
“Love yourself, accept yourself,” says that vine with the dancing naked(?) man. Take it to heart.
Scorpio; Oct. 23 – Nov 22
Read some poetry! I highly recommend The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. It’s beautiful.
Sagittarius; Nov. 22 – Dec. 22
Netflix has a new series of Great British Bake-off!!!! Go Watch it!!! Noel Fielding is adorable, I hope I can hug him one day…
Capricorn; Dec. 22 – Jan 20
Paint something badly, or really well! Just paint, and know that your fingers have created something tangible. Touch it, rub your hands in it. Feel good about it, you deserve it.
Aquarius; Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Midterms are the worst right? As a small protest, put an extra space at the beginning of your paragraphs. It’ll drive your teachers mad, but they can’t take points off because it’s such a small error! Do it, I dare you.
Pisces; Feb. 18 – Mar. 20
Enjoy this change of seasons, soon it’ll be like the ice age around here and no one will want to walk anywhere. Instead, we’ll all get those nice go-karts that employees use! …Wait, we don’t get those? Dang. Guess we gotta get dogs and sleds.