Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
If you sing “Let it Snow” one more time, your friends are going to think you control the weather, and they will be very mad at you. We all will. Stop making it snow, we beg you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Later today, you will be presented with a choice. It will look great, tempting, even tasty. Don’t fall into this trap. Hint: it will involve beans.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
PSA: Due to the consequences of a previous Capricorn horoscope we The Universe have been notified that bigfoot will actually eat you, and must now offer the following warning: DO NOT hunt cryptids with your crush.
Aquarius | Jan 20 to Feb. 18
Remember kids; there’s always time for a cocktail
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Rejoyce! Boston Uprising beat Philadelphia Fusion! Marry me Dreamkazper
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Hey all your friends are coming back from abroad! I hope you’ve been saving them classic New England gifts like; the first pinecone of spring, a jar of snow, the feather of a seagull, and the antler of a moose. Without these things, they won’t be allowed back into New England so… hope you’ve got their back…
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Never be regretful. Unless your regret is not buying that one shirt. It’s ok to let that one go. That band was never good anyway.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Have you ever thought about the way Gordon Ramsay says, “FUCK” and wondered, “how he would say ‘I love you?’” Like when he holds his face in his cheeks, wanting the cook to cook better? Sigh.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Listen to some French music! It’s calming, always sounds romantic, and great for studying. The Universe unanimously recommends Coeur De Pirate, Christine and The Queens and Jain.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Always remember: there are some people you can never please. Like Gordon Ramsay. But gosh dang it, we can all dream.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
If you’re hosting someone for Welcome to Wheaton day, make sure you protect them from the squirrels. They love fresh meat.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22