♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your birthday is a sign from the universe that you’re ready for more responsibility. Adopt a Wheaton Squirrel, but know it has the power to overthrow you at any moment.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

There’s a monster under your bed and it’s called RESPONSIBILITY—don’t let it eat you or your hopes and dreams.

♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

The Universe wants to party with you. Stop being so gloomy and acknowledge this dope weather! Be thankful for the trees and the sun and the (mind-controlling) squirrels!

♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

That thing you lost is waiting for you to find it. Look hard! Wheaton Ghosts aren’t that good at hiding things, so you should recover your stolen item easily enough.

♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Stop it. Really, just…sigh…

♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

It is a little known fact that because you’re born under the sign Aries, you’re meant to be a sheep herder. What’re you doing here? Go herd them sheep!

♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

We know what Pisces did was bad and The Universe has told them to stop. We gotchu, Taurus.

♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Take up a new hobby like yoga, duck-calling, or prayer to the great and powerful Cthuhlu. You will feel more fulfilled in your life and your enemies will be punished. You won’t regret it.

♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Don’t drink that.

♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

In a past life you were an imposter of the Duke of York, and you almost got away with it! A successful person never gives up – you go imposter the heck out of that Duke.

♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Are you sure you’re not just a ghost haunting the stacks? Get out in the sun sometime, or hug a dog to make sure you’re not vaporous.

♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You look good today.