♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your birthday is a sign from the universe that you’re ready for more responsibility. Adopt a Wheaton Squirrel, but know it has the power to overthrow you at any moment.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
There’s a monster under your bed and it’s called RESPONSIBILITY—don’t let it eat you or your hopes and dreams.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The Universe wants to party with you. Stop being so gloomy and acknowledge this dope weather! Be thankful for the trees and the sun and the (mind-controlling) squirrels!
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
That thing you lost is waiting for you to find it. Look hard! Wheaton Ghosts aren’t that good at hiding things, so you should recover your stolen item easily enough.
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Stop it. Really, just…sigh…
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
It is a little known fact that because you’re born under the sign Aries, you’re meant to be a sheep herder. What’re you doing here? Go herd them sheep!
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
We know what Pisces did was bad and The Universe has told them to stop. We gotchu, Taurus.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Take up a new hobby like yoga, duck-calling, or prayer to the great and powerful Cthuhlu. You will feel more fulfilled in your life and your enemies will be punished. You won’t regret it.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Don’t drink that.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
In a past life you were an imposter of the Duke of York, and you almost got away with it! A successful person never gives up – you go imposter the heck out of that Duke.
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Are you sure you’re not just a ghost haunting the stacks? Get out in the sun sometime, or hug a dog to make sure you’re not vaporous.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You look good today.
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